As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
