Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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