I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
