who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
only if we run a train.
done.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
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