I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
