I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
