Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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