I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
