Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
