I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
