Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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