Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
