Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
MIDGETS
????
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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