Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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