I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
