The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
