we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
