I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
