So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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