It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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