Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
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