True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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