My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
