You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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