hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
