1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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