I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
