Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
