Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
