There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
