Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize
