How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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