I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
You're breaking my sexual little heart
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
