Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
My bed smells like the plague
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
