Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
