sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
