I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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