I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
He's on the porch naked. Help.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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