You're so nebulous sometimes
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
