Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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