This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
