I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
