hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
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