I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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