Ketchup is God's man juice
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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