Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
