Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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