i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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