Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
