the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
