true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
He? As in you personified your dick?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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