When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
