I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
