The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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