he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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