If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
