If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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