I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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