We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I stole a fireplace last night.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Randomize
